Buy Curious

2006-01-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

cut your cholesterol by READER'S DIGEST
Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.17

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

28 used & new from $2.36

A handy guide to staying healthy, January 12, 2006
When not one but four relatives gave me this book over the holidays, I knew they were trying to tell me something: you need to slow down on the bacon.

So I've been using this book a lot. The basic idea is simple, and easy to follow: food contains cholesterol, ergo don't eat food. Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh but you need food in order to survive and I want to survive and I'm not really committed to a healthy lifestyle because I'm whiny and lazy and you've got to eat to live, don't you?" to which I can only reply: WRONG.

For instance, this morning I had a cup of Earl Grey tea, and a piece of Dentyne Ice. For lunch I will drink a cup of chicken broth and suck eactly half of one pineapple Lifesaver. Dinner, (which is my favorite meal so I really go all out), will be a three-second shot of Pam sprayed directly on my tongue followed by two stalks of celery soaked in salt water, with a NutriGrain bar for dessert.

I've been doing it this since New Year's, and the results are stunning. I'm having trouble keeping my vision focused so it's hard to see exactly what I look like in the mirror, and my teeth feel really loose lately, but the compliments I've gotten from people! "You look really skinny!" "You've dropped down a few pants sizes!" "I can see each one of your ribs right through your shirt!"

Also, congrats to Reader's Digest for not capitalizing the title of their book, which could of scared off a lot of people afraid of proper nouns.

2006-01-11T16:46:00.000-08:00

[I don't know how to make the pictures copy and paste anymore, anyone who is more HTML savvy feel free to explain how. Also, I'm gonna start doing these again, so, you know, start checking in.]

Pâté de Volaille a' L'Armagnac (8 Ounce) by igourmet.com
Offered by igourmet
Price: $6.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Two diacritcal marks! Yes!, December 13, 2005
With this junk, you can take a boring middle-class church picnic and turn it into a suuuuuuuper classy pârté!

2005-12-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought by John Gibson Edition: Hardcover
Price: $16.47

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

11 used & new from $14.00

It's about time!, December 9, 2005
Arbor Day killed my younger brother, so I defintely can understand wanting to destroy a holiday.

2005-12-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

Kidde 468093 Fire Escape Ladder, 2 Story, 13 Foot
Price: $29.94

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

It's okay, but..., December 6, 2005
We take fire safety really seriously in my household. My wife and I make sure we practice our evacuations drills at least once every fortnight. We do it right, too. We set small fires outside the kids' bedroom doors, so they're used to the smell of smoke and the feel of their bronchial passages shutting down. Our reasoning is that if there is a real fire, kids need to already be acclimated to the idea that if they don't stay low to the ground, they're gonna die.

However, last week the drill became reality. I guess the newspaper I'd used to start the fire outside of Lauren's room had been in the garage next to the paint thinner, because it was like WHOOMP there it is! And by "there it is", I mean that the hallway was quickly engulfed in flames.

Luckily we had installed these ladders in all the kids rooms, except for Lauren. She just turned fifteen, and we were worried about her sneaking out to do pot with older boys and so on. So while the rest of our nine children were quickly outside the house, Lauren was trapped in her room. She ended up having to jump the two stories and broke her tailbone. Plus our house suffered some pretty extensive fire damage and we've been living out of a motel for the last few days.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should trust your kids enough to put one of these ladders in their room. Especially if you're setting fires inside your house a lot.

2005-12-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

Porter-Cable PN650 Palm Nailer Kit
Price: $111.00

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

Just imagine!, December 1, 2005
It took the Romans about 3.4 hrs to nail the Son of God to the cross. With this little monster they could have had the King of Kings and Lord of Lords up before noon and called it day. And with the easy to use attachments, they could have time to do Barabbas too!

Intimo Men's Classic Satin Robe
Price: $28.00
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

Well hello, December 1, 2005
Hey there. Sorry for the robe, I wasn't expecting company.

Boy, it's snowing up a storm out there, huh? You've got a snowflake right on your eyelash. No, other one. Here, let me get it for you. Hold still.

There we go.

Here take a seat. You want something to drink? Irish coffee maybe? It'll warm you right up. Two Irish coffees it is!

Here you go. I'm just gonna push these papers aside, mind if I squeeze in? Ah. Amazing how a day of doing nothing can tire you out, am I right?

Is there something on my lap?

Oh my! I am sorry! Just slipped right out of the robe, didn't it? I really wasn't expecting company, I'll just put that right back. My sincere apologies. You were saying?

Hmm. And your children are complaining? No, no, but you have a problem with it, I see. And I'm doing this in front of the windows constantly? Well, my dear, T'ai Chi Ch'uan is the art of graceful movement. Emphasis on movement. I have to move around.

Did you know that T'ai Chi Ch'uan translates to "Supreme Fist?"

Oh my! There is goes again! Perhaps I should just slip upstairs and throw on a pair of Jockeys. Excuse me, will you? No, no, there's no need to leave! It will be but a moment!

Well, suit yourself.

Okay, that time? Right then? When it fell out? That was kind of on purpose.

2005-11-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

Return to Pooh Corner ~ Kenny Loggins
Price: $12.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

37 used & new from $6.28
Club Price: $8.49

Where's Kermit Mr. Loggins?, November 12, 2005
I would give this CD, which is great for everyone ages 0-100, a much higher rating, if I didn't know the dirty underbelly of the recording of this CD: Kenny Loggins refused to work with Kermit the Frog because Kermit's a Jew.

For shame, Herr Loggins.

Nearly forgotten oldies [special thanks to Thomas Brousseau]

2005-11-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

Care Bears : Most Valuable Bear (Care Bears) by Justin Spelvin Edition: Paperback
Price: $3.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

11 used from $1.85

25 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

Without a doubt, the best Bildungsroman ever written, September 7, 2005
In Justin Spelvin's brilliant coming-of-age novel, Tenderheart Bear, a seventeen year old Care Bear relates his lonely, life-changing twenty-four hour stay in New York City as he experiences the phoniness of the adult world while attempting to deal with the death of his younger brother, an overwhelming compulsion to lie, and troubling sexual experiences.

Spelvin, whose characters are among the best and most developed in all of literature, has captured the eternal angst of growing into adulthood in the person of Tenderheart Bear. Anyone who has reached the age of sixteen will be able to identify with this unique and yet universal character, for Tenderheart contains bits and pieces of all of us. It is for this very reason that "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" has become one of the most beloved and enduring works in world literature.

As always, Spelvin's writing is so brilliant, his characters so real, that he need not employ artifice of any kind. This is a study of the complex problems haunting all adolescents as they mature into adulthood and Spelvin wisely chooses to keep his narrative and prose straightforward and simple.

This is not to say that "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" is a straightforward and simple book. It is anything but. In it we are privy to Spelvin's genius and originality in portraying universal problems in a unique manner. "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" is a book that can be loved and understood on many different levels of comprehension and each reader who experiences it will come away with a fresh view of the world in which they live.

A work of true genius, images of a caring and sharing are abundantly apparent throughout this book. While analyzing the city raging about him, Tenderheart's attention is captured by a child walking in the street "singing and humming." Realizing that the child is singing the familiar refrain, "If a body meet a body, he the most valuable bear," Tenderheart, himself, says that he feels "not so depressed."

The title's words, however, are more than just a pretty ditty that Tenderheart happens to like. In the stroke of pure genius that is Spelvin, himself, he wisely sums up the book's theme in its title.

When Tenderheart, whose past has been traumatic, to say the least, is questioned by his younger sister, Love-a-Lot, regarding what he would like to do when he gets older, Tenderheart replies, "Anyway, I keep picturing all these little Care Bears playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little Care Bears, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd be the most valuable bear. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

In this short bit of dialogue Spelvin brilliantly exposes Tenderheart's deepest desire and expounds the book's theme. Tenderheart wishes to preserve something of childhood innocence that gets hopelessly lost as we grow into the crazy and phony world of adulthood.

Spelvin deftly explores the theme of lost innocence throughout the book. Tenderheart is appalled when he encounters profanity scrawled on the walls of Love-a-Lot's school, a school that he envisions protecting and shielding children from the evils of society.

When Tenderheart gives his red hunting cap to Love-a-Lot to wear, he gives it to her as a shield, an emblem of the eternal love and protectiveness he feels for her.

Near the beginning of the book, Tenderheart remembers a girl he once knew, Funshine Bear, with whom he played checkers. Funshine, he remembers, "wouldn't move any of her kings," an action Tenderheart realizes to be a metaphor of her naiveté. When Tenderheart hears that his sexually experienced friend Brave Heart Lion had a date with Funshine, he immediately starts a fight with him, symbolically protecting Funshine's innocence.

More sophisticated readers might question the reasons behind
Tenderheart's plight. While Tenderheart's feelings are universal, this character does seem to be a rather extreme example. The catalyst for Tenderheart's desires is no doubt the death of his younger brother, Do-Your-Best Bear, a bright and loving Care Bear who died of leukemia at the age of thirteen. Tenderheart still feels the sting of Do-Your-Best's death acutely, as well as his own, albeit undeserved, guilt, in being able to do nothing to prevent Do-Your-Best's suffering.

The only reminder Tenderheart has of Do-Your-Best's shining but all-too-short life, is Do-Your-Best's baseball mitt that is covered with poems Do-Your-Best read while standing in the outfield. In a particularly poignant moment, Tenderheart tells us that this is the glove he would want to use to catch Care Bears when they fall from the cliff of innocence.

In an interesting, but trademark, Spelvin twist, Tenderheart loses the true meaning of "Most Valuable Bear." Tenderheart ends the book in a mental institution, unable to save or protect anyone or anything. This is certainly not the first time Tenderheart loses sight of what he wants and needs; indeed he is a master at it.

This loss, however, shows us how much Do-Your-Best's death has affected Tenderheart and also how much he fears his own fall from innocence, the theme that threads its way throughout the whole of the book.

By this amazing book's end, we must reach the conclusion that there are times when we all can be "Most Valuable Bear." The trick, dear reader, is in realizing those moments and grabbing them tight.

Dong Quai Root 530 Mg 100 Caps
Offered by Swanson Health Products
Price: $3.29

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

Sometimes the product description does all the work for you., September 6, 2005
-Dong is often called "the female ginseng" for its energizing and harmonizing qualities.

-Dong helps women maintain balance though every cycle of her life.

-Dong offers nutritional support to ease monthly discomfort.

NaturVet Herbal Flea Powder
Offered by PETCO
Price: $9.89

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

I dunno know about this one, September 5, 2005
All I'm gonna say is, herbal or not, it itches something fierce. Big red welts on my backside, and the fleas? Biting me worse'n Pac-Man.

Sharper Image Bar Master Deluxe Electronic Drink Guide (QU137)
Offered by Sharper Image
Price: $29.95

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

67 of 69 people found the following review helpful:

gets the touchy touch everybody so afraid of the toucnh, September 4, 2005
hey! hey!

damn flask thing gonna not give me a dirnk in my horse. house.

i said house!

tells me things i dont have a thing of nver heard of. who has grandadaine in they're horose? house.

said house gofdammit!

hey. hey! wanna know kick quocktail, quick cocktail i like? i like to crunch up the cheetos end of the bag and then mix up a little scope or calvin kline or whatver the kids gots in their medicine cabitnet. sometimes they got pills n pot too but thts not really cocktail is it? never shouldve let em have there own bathroom in the house.

horse. said horse cicksocker!

2005-11-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

Men's Skechers Cool Cat 4477
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

Every Morning With My Cool Cats, November 1, 2005
(open the closet)

Me: Hey Cool Cats! It's a beautiful morning isn't you guys?
Left Cool Cat: Oh God there he is.
Right Cool Cat: He's wearing that shirt again.
LCC: I know.
RCC: Shh, here he comes.
Me: You guys look good today. Nice and shiny leather like that.
LCC: At least something on him looks good.
RCC: Maybe we'll distract people from his haircut.
Me: Yessir, hey you guys maybe today'll be the day that I meet a special girl! You guys could have some company in the the closet soon, maybe a nice pair of pumps! HAHAHA!
LCC: I don't know what's sadder. That he says that every morning--
RCC: Or that it's been so long that I'm starting to wonder if the only thing that'll be joining us in the closet is him?
LCC: It's like you read my mind sometimes. I swear, you--
RCC: Complete me?
LCC: Stop it! That's just spooky!
Me: Criss Cross and go under the bridge, then you got to pull it tight, make a loop but keep a long tail that's how to do it right, then you put the string through the thing and everything hey all right and then we something something... wait. There's a scoop somewhere. Hold on you guys, I'm gonna get this!
RCC: They should just bend the rules and let him wear velcro shoes at work.
LCC: I swear to Christ, I actually get like embarassed watching him.
Polo shirt: How do you guys think I feel?
Haircut: It ain't easy for any of us guys.
Me: Okay, let's try it again. Build a tee pee come inside close it tight so we can hide, over the mountain and around we go here's my arrow, and here's my bow! Yes! Today is gonna be so super you guys!!!

2005-10-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

Knife of Dreams (The Wheel of Time, Book 11) by Robert Jordan Edition: Hardcover
Price: $19.18

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22 used & new from $15.00

2 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

Better than being born, October 31, 2005
Wow. Robert Jordan's penultimate book in this epic series just blew me away. Like I can't find myself I'm so gone. Dude.

Frellep and Pontautraine return, of course, but this time they've got company -- a whole company of bandit kings, that is! But the Dessintal army has a few things to say about that: namely 1. Watch 2. Yourself 3. Buster!

And what about the ravishing Coccyx and her newfound magical powers? Will she able to reunite with Sapsapsapsapsa and Tigger?

My favorite part of these books are that they are very expensive and the drawings on the front of the books.

2005-10-24T14:51:00.001-07:00

Pepperidge Farm Extra Cheddar Baked Snack Crackers, 7 oz
Offered by Gristedes Supermarkets of New York
Price: $1.69

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

A travesty, October 24, 2005
I stopped at the corner store on the way to the E Street Cinema and grabbed a pouch of Goldfish to snack on at the movie. When I was a kid, they'd give us Goldfish on paper towels with a Dixie cup of Kool-Aid, and they remain one of my favorite comfort foods. I'm sitting there, way up front because I like the movie screen to be the only thing I can see, and I reach in and take the first handful and eat a few. Something's wrong. There's this, this powder on them. It tastes like a Goldfish underneath, but this powder, what the hell? It's way too salty, and it tastes like onion powder or dried out ranch dressing. I look at the bag. They're Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar! Everything is wrong with this: that smug misspelling of "extra," calling them "Flavor Blasted," coating these wholesome little things in this horrible powder - the sickos at Pepperidge Farms have officially taken my most beloved childhood snack out to the garage, got it drunk on Boone's Farm, and molested it. Goldfish are going to grow up now, but not because they chose to.

2005-10-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

Shyness : A Bold New Approach by Bernardo J. Carducci Ph.D. Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.20

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

32 used & new from $3.99

Um, October 21, 2005

Hi I read this--

I'm sorry?

Louder? You want to, uh, want me to speak louder? Sorry.

I, um, I read this book a while back and it--it certainly helped, helped with my problem of being a little, uh, a little reticent around people. This book has really, um, really helped me blos--, excuse me, help me bloom socially. Yes.

Hi, I'm Bob Newhart, and you, uh, you can catch me every night on Nick at Nite, 9/8 central. If you-- if you want.

2005-10-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

I Should Be Dead By Now by Dennis Rodman Edition: Hardcover
Price: $24.95

Availability: Usually ships in 2 to 3 days

Meh, October 20, 2005

Without the awesome and in your face EDGINESS of "BAD as I WANNA be" Rodman's first book, with it's CONSTANT changes of FONT size for little or NO reaSON and it's very post-MODERN use of a FAULKNERIAN man-child iDIOt as its narrator, I just can't really get behind this book. Though I am all in favor of ROdMAn dying.

2005-10-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Powder
Price: $10.97

Availability: Usually ships in 2 to 4 months

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! WHO WANTS MORE? YES!, October 14, 2005

Whoo! God yes this a great magazine where'd you get this magazine from? Oh yeah? No, but I know his brother! Yeah, we're probably like best friends I guess. What?!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! That's just like him, forgeting his keys! Get it? Keys! HA!

Hey, you wanna start a band?

2005-10-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Lolita, Vol. 4 by Belore Edition: Paperback
Price: $9.95

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

12 used from $7.30

Not what I remember, October 13, 2005
I read Lolita years ago, and ordered off Amazon on whim. I must say, my memory is starting to go, because I do not remember Lolita being so... explicit. Or having so many, shall we say, active characters.

Wow.

Much better than I remember, though.

2005-10-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

Big Hunk Snack Size Bars
Offered by Hometown Favorites
Price: $19.14

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Hunka Burning Love!, October 11, 2005
Guys, I just ate a Big Hunk!

Hey, stop laughing you guys, it was really good! I enjoyed the mouth-feel, and it tasted about twenty times better than one of those Three Muskateers! I'd eat a Big Hunk anyday.

Oh, really, just grow up.

Lovers Frog on Swinging Bench
Offered by Tom & Company
Price: $20.60

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Not familycentric!, October 11, 2005
I just don't want two lovers frogging on a bench in my living room. Perhaps if they were just giving each other ribbit-jobs, but full-on frogging is just too extreme, IMHO.

Whaddaya Think of That? ~ Laurie Berkner
Price: $13.49

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24 used from $12.53

Amazing!, October 11, 2005
"All The Pretty Little Horses" is the greatest song ever written about a Cormac McCarthy book, with the obvious exception of Raffi's take on Blood Meridian, "Urine Gunpower."

Bertie Bott's 10 Flavor Discovery Box
Offered by Jelly Belly Candy Co.
Price: $5.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

1 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Not meant for kids!, October 10, 2005
It's okay to feed them Soap or Dirt of Grass flavored jelly beans, but no matter how faithfully reproduced, the following flavor are NOT okay to be feeding to my kids:

1. Single-malt scotch
2. Sadness
3. Duster
4. Mouthfull O' Pillow
5. Kidney Stones
6. Lust
7. Dexodrine
8. Virginia Slim

Show a little responsibility, Bertie Bott!

Please Your Friends & Family
Offered by Great Harvest Bread Co.
Price: $29.95

Availability: Usually ships in 4-5 business days

Piffle!, October 10, 2005
My family abandoned me to the cold cold world at the tender age of thirty-two, and my friends merely want me for my wealth! Bah! I will feed this bread to the dogs or orphans before friends or family taste one solitary crumb!

2005-10-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Seiko Women's Windward Watch #SXD395
Price: $85.00

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

Waste of money, October 10, 2005
Normally I object to women wearing watches on Moral grounds, but after the birth of our Tenth through Thirteenth children, my Wife asked if she could have some way of telling Time, as her Schedule was growing ever more complex. I acqueisced and purchased this Timepiece. Some observations:

1. Women, leading lives contained to the Domestic Sphere are ill-suited to be able to distinguish minutes. I believe a Timepiece that told them 'nought but the Hour would be best.

2. Owing to the Fact that they spend a majority of their Time with their arms immeresed in Water, whether for Cooking or Cleaning, watches made of Metal and other oxidising Materials are also foolhardy for those of the fairer sex to wear.

3. This would have been money better spend on a larger Washboard, or perhaps another Servant. My Wife, once the most docile and retiring of creatures, has now become a Harpy, reminding me that I am Late from Work, Late from a Night at the Tavern, Late from a Night with my Mistress! If this does not change soon I will have to inquire about the Legalities of giving her a Tincture of Laudinum or somesort in order to retard her back into her natural Role.

Bill Blass Men's Dress Shirt with Fashion Pointed Collar
Price: $14.99
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

Do you guys knows Bill Blass?, October 10, 2005
Did you know Bill Blass is godfather to my son? Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Blass pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calamari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!" And he's blind to this day! Makes brooms in Georgia somewhere! To Bill Blass!

Coleman Renegade Three Drawer Base Cabinet
Offered by Home and Living
Price: $149.90

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Only for Renegades!, October 10, 2005
After crooked cop Lieutenant "Dutch" Dixon killed my girlfriend and framed me for murder, I, Reno Raines, escaped from jail and went on the run. Teaming up with Bobby Sixkiller and Cheyenne Phillips, I work now as a bounty hunter while searching for the only man who can clear my name.

Hi, I'm famed actor Lorenzo Lamas. Now you too can follow all the action at home with this handy toolbox. Not included: mullet, chopper, and balls to the wall attitude that made me king of late-Saturday-night/early-Sunday-morning syndicated shows. Kicked the stuffing out of Cleopatra 2525, tell you that.

check three check four

2005-10-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

Power Rangers Soft Attack Sword
Offered by Toys"R"Us
Price: $9.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Only for those that want an hairdresser in the family , October 5, 2005
Look, I'm all for kids whacking the bejeezus out of each other with whatever is laying around, but this "soft sword" crap is just asking for it. Give 'em two lengths of PVC pipe and tie a pillow to their heads, and let 'em go at each other. For the love of Mike, the day I let my son touch or be touched with a "soft sword" is the day that I enroll him in ballet and madrigals!

Undergear Greek Bikini Swimsuit
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Well, can you?, October 5, 2005
Can you see it you guys?

Come on, stop laughing and be serious! Can you see my peeny in this?

No? How about now? What if I lean back like this? Now?

Damn it!

God Is No Laughing Matter: Observations and Objections on the Spiritual Path by Julia Cameron Edition: Hardcover
Price: $4.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

2 used from $9.49

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Untrue!, October 5, 2005
Ways in which God is a laughing matter:

1. God invites the boss over for dinner, but forgets to tell his wife beforehand.

2. God and Allah go on a double date with two of the Aswini tinws, and they keep getting two mixed up.

3. God suspects the neighbor of stealing his newspaper; smites most of mankind for it.

4. God enters a grilled cheese eating contest and eats forty-seven before turning to the camera and saying "I think I ate'd too much! Burp!"

5. Knock Knock
Who's there?
God!
God who?
I am that I am!

6. God creates the world but accidentaly allows bad things happen to good people. Whoops!

Super Pet Critter Cruiser
Offered by PETCO
Price: $15.29

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

2 Fast 2 Cute, October 5, 2005
We've been putting our pet hamsters, Carson & Carson, in this little dune buggy and OMG it's so cute my wife starts to ovulate all over the floor.

Mod Bracelets
Offered by Imaginarium
Price: $14.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

Quadraphenia , October 4, 2005
Got your RAF badge? Got your Lambretta? Got your suit? Got your amphetamines? Really? With you? Can I get one?

Wow.

How many do you have?

Lemme get four.

No, five.

Huh?

The bracelets?

Nah, you don't really need 'em.

Lemonade Tycoon
Price: $19.99
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

= Fun = Overall
Good for getting them into the lifestyle, October 4, 2005
Gave it -- well, ordered it, the nanny gave it -- to the youngest, and he's become quite the little business man! He's started selling all sorts of things at school now -- t-shirts, pins, his ADD medication. Makes you proud.

Money
Price: $19.95

Availability: Usually ships in 1 to 3 months

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

God YES!, October 4, 2005
While of course not as good as money, this magazine is good for when you can't actually have money. Nice glossy pages, clean well-lit pictorials which are classy but still deliver what I need to get by, and hell, the articles in between aren't horrible, so you can say "I read it for the articles," with a straight face!

Share a Box of Bread
Offered by Great Harvest Bread Co.
Price: $22.95

Availability: Usually ships in 4-5 business days

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Poppycock!, October 4, 2005
Why should I share? My mother bought it for ME! For ME to EAT! Get your own, wastrel!

& Yet & Yet

2005-10-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

ProFlowers - Get Well Bear
Offered by ProFlowers
Price: $29.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

0 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A dud, September 29, 2005
When she wakes up in the hospital, I'd gonna advise against sending this with a card saying "I'm Beary Sorry!" I'm also gonna strongly advise being a little messy when you're writing the card and writing instead "I'm Beery Sorry!" 'cause that's just gonna put her in mind of why she's there. Send some roses and some chocolates, 'cause I'll tell you right now this bear ain't gonna be moving those deputies nowhere nohow.

Standard Computer Armoire 53"hx42.5"w Dark Cherry
Offered by Home Decorators Collection
Price: $399.00

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Where's da computah?, September 29, 2005
Hey where da computah at?

Hey! Dere it is!

Was hidden in da wood! Haw!

Hey where da computah at?

Dere it is!

Hiding in the wood again! Crazy computah!

Hey! Where da computah now?!?!

BabyBjorn Potty Chair - Snow White
Offered by Babies"R"Us
Price: $22.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

BjornAgain Believer!, September 29, 2005
Oh man! This is best potty of all the potties I've ever used. First off, nice wide seat, and the urine deflection is at the top of the market. Second, the smooth, white look: think iPotty! Third, heavy and thick plastic good that can really take a beating, trust me! I've been looking for a potty like this for over thirty years, and now that I've found it, I must say I feel a little empty!

18K Gold Plated Blue Topaz Jlo Wedding Ring Replica
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Replica don't mean bad, September 29, 2005
yeah girl
you're my girl girl
no else but you boo
my heart be true blue boo

girl this ring gonna go round your finger
your belly grow round already--can't linger
dash for the altar like a second-stringer
if you in lock up well girl i'll spring ya

girl jlo wishes she had what you got
she may got a real ring but she have a yacht?
no i don't got one either but i'm still gonna drop
at least four hundos on tying the knot

that's a gee for the church
a gee for the singer
a gee for the band
a gee for the preacher
running out of gees like southern speaker
i still got some ends and i got to meet 'em

the ring may be a replica but you the real thing
more valuable to me than the wall of beijing
i'm like MLK girl you know i gotta dream
not spending too much for a tiny little ring

it's just metal girl
little bit a rocks on it
pebbles honestly

Sealy Posturepedic Encompass Fiber and Foam Extra-Firm Support Standard Pillow
Price: $9.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

More features needed, September 29, 2005
Don't get me wrong, this pillow works great for sleeping at night. In fact, I've gotten the best sleep of my life thanks to this pillow. At least, the best sleep as far as comfort for my neck goes.

But what if you start to realize the reason you can't sleep the whole night through isn't some "neck problem" but that indeed, the problem might be deeper and run more to WHOM you're sleeping next to?

Which is why I'd just say that I think this pillow who benefit with some small handholds on either side, in order to make it easier to press it down firmly for a period of at least five minutes. Because I found my hands cramping after a minute or two.

Corona Clipper FL-3420 Compound-Action Anvil Lopper
Price: $29.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

6 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

Me n' my Lopper, September 22, 2005
I call her Cyndi. And time after time, I use her to lop. She lop he lop, ah, we lop, I lop, you lop, ah they lop. I mean girls just wanna have fun, right? When I use my Cyndi Lopper, I see your true colors shining through, your true colors and that's why I love you.

This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever written.

Wee Enchanted Garden Kit
Offered by Imaginarium
Price: $24.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

8 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

Lacks some vital equipment, September 21, 2005
Don't get me wrong, I've managed to use the Weed Enchanted Garden well enough, but it's seriously lacking grow lights, aluminium foil to line a closet with, or even a basic hydroponic set up. Also, to all other reviewers allowing your children to play with this: shame on you. I only use mine in the garage, which the kids know is a "Daddies Only Zone." Have a little responsibility!

Motorola RAZR V3 BLK Phone (Cingular)
Price: $149.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

44 of 102 people found the following review helpful:

Livin on the RAZR's edge!, September 19, 2005
Oh my Jesus ever since I got this phone I've been wailing wicked guitar solos while stuff blows up behind me!

I was walking home from work the other day and these brothers start hassling me for some money. I'm all like "Yo money back off cuz I gots a RAZR." And then I pull it out take a picture and I'm like "Got your grill on my phone now dog." And they were like "Mad respect kid," and we ended up becoming friends even though we came from radically different socio-economic backgrounds.

True story.

philosophy cafe au lait shampoo, body wash, and bubble bath
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

5 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

FANTABULOUSNESSMENTCHANTMENT!, September 18, 2005
I LOVE COFFEESHOPS!

Sorry, just had to get that out there. From how cute everyone is dressed, to dark colors and wood-grain, to the sound of ten laptops all going at once, every part of the coffeeshop experience is just MAGICAL to me. This shampoo brings that right into MY OWN HOME!

I also like to use Pretension Honey Scone Body Wash, some Deep Conversation Buttermilk Hornrimmed Glasses Face Soap, and Pretend-Like-You're-Employed Lonely Businesman Masturbating to Barrista Hair Pomade. These products all "do it to it!"

The FairTax Book by Neal Boortz Edition: Hardcover
Price: $15.97

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

19 used from $13.80

11 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

"My name is Limpwristed Liberal and this Fair Tax is regressive!", September 16, 2005
Jesus Christ on two crutches, am I tired of all you whiners saying "Oh, my, this Fair Tax, which would levy a 23% national sales tax on all items and do away with all other forms of taxation, would hurt those of us unlucky or unable to earn more than $40,000, would devastate social welfare programs and public schooling, and would be hugely regressive."

You know what? You stink, like garbage. Yes, all of the points you raise are true, but how about we look at some REAL facts?

1. Taxes are very hard to do. I myself pay someone else to do them, but even that is extremely difficult! I must hold on to all sorts of bits and pieces of paper. I often come home at night and when putting all my loose change into a large empty jar come up with two or three or even seven receipts. I put them in a shoebox and then give them to my accountant at the end of the year. Why? I do not know!

2. The federal government uses your money to let poor people wear fancy clothes, eat junk food, and reproduce. I am so tired to going to mall on my day off and seeing young black men dressed nicer than I am. And before you say I am racist, it is not just black people. I see Mexican and white trash people doing the same thing. Only the Asians should get funding from the government. That isn't racist, it's just common sense.

3. Rich people deserve to keep more of their money than poor people. They, after all, are the engines in the racecar of the economy, while poor people provide the blood that greases the wheels of capitalism. And it's not even good blood! Poor people's blood is murky and filled with small floating bits of stuff, while the wealthy, unsullied by laziness and welfare, tend to have blood with a clean, clear red color, like a fine claret.

4. It's called the FAIR TAX. It says it right there in the name! How could it be unfair when it is called the FAIR TAX? Holy Mary mother of God, I just don't understand how you pot-smoking, Volvo-driving, latte-drinking, liberal-arts-degree-holding, shaggy-haircut-sporting, tax-and-spend liberals can be so stupid and obtuse! It makes me sick. I want to hit you in your stupid eyeballs until you see the truth. Damn it!

Thank you for your time.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.88

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

Laff-a-Minute, September 7, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

If you love Garfield, you will probably love this book. It definitely made me laugh.

Out
Price: $14.95

Availability: Usually ships in 1 to 3 months

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

Only for those that already know what they're doing, August 31, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

After going through my third real divorce (the one in between 2 and 3 was a no-contest 60 day anullment, which is harldy a real divorce, am I right?), I was pretty much thinking, "Hey, you know what? Maybe all these divorces aren't just because I'm a distant lover and unavailable emotionally. Maybe it's something else all together."

Now, when I was in the Navy there was plenty of "rack hoppin'" but nothing serious, and I never had a chance to be involved in it (teenage acne scars that didn't fade until my mid-30s probably played a large part in that). So I thought a magazine like Out would help me "bone up" (pun VERY intended, LOL) on what being gay was all about.

However, I was pretty disappointed. Out is mainly over-lit pictures of pretty people talking about nothing in particular. If anything, it nearly scared me away, looking down at my hanging gut and seal-pup-snout man teats and thinking "Get serious, man, no man is going to want THIS."

Luckily Out was not representative, and some guys I met up at the VFW (I know, like, who knew, right?) turned me on to books that really let me get a handle on who I was trying to be. Out is NOT representative of gay culture in the United States, and if anything does a disservice to Rick, Lucas, and all the other great friends I've made. It's like I learned, sometimes we have to walk on all the wrong roads until we find the right one.

Celestron Dissecting Microscope
Price: $207.57

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

Suepoib, September 9, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

25 things I looked at underneath the microscope last night:

1. Flake of my scalp
2. Drop of blood
3. Stomach lint
4. Grain of salt
5. Grain of sugar
6. Dollop of ketchup
7. Salt w/kethcup
8. Mustard
9. Ranch
10-17. Most of the condiments on the second level of the fridge.
18. Dime.
19. Five dollar bill.
20. Drop of scotch.
21. Pubic hair.
22. Edge of glossy, heavy-stock paper.
23. More of glossy, heavy-stock paper.
24. Some of my little swimmers.
25. Piece of Kleenex.

Things I didn't look at underneath the microscope last night:

1. My crushing loneliness.

Yamaha PSR295MS Portable Electronic Keyboard with Adapter and Stand
Price: $219.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

21 of 38 people found the following review helpful:

Rockstar!, August 17, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

Ever since I got this keyboard I've been working hard on my one-man band total Experience Extrvaganza Extraordinary Experience (E^4!). And this keyboard works with me in everyway. It gives me the "urban" backbeat for my R&B number "Apartment Complex Freak," which is all about nailing the girls in my apartment complex (Woodlawn Terrace y'all!), and it also provides the "laser" sounds for my sci-fi epic "Phasered and Layered" which is about the lust I feel when I get my haircut at the hair salon down by the mall.

ROCKSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Sharpie Fine Point Permanent Markers - 24 pk.
Offered by Target
Price: $20.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1 to 2 days

10 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

shsarpie';s stills teh best!!$!@, September 12, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

yeah sharpie is teh ebst in theoffice you open up 12 paq uner your nose--------------------------------

n ti ithink cioloors are diferent to like mnms candye i like red the bst call it 'read eye' 'cause it gibves you tyhe red eyess
best patr is everyone thinks your a realiy hard worker "dang tehre goes he again getting more charpies from the closet" ha ha no im just getteng high

Reviewer Rank: 495908

Page: 1

HOOAH! Energy Bar, Apple Cinnamon, 15 Pack
Price: $20.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

HOOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!, September 20, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

Just ate one of these mean mothers and word of God can't stop typing or doing anything it's worse than when I thought my youngest kid's Adderol was the Advil took three of those couldn't stop talking called everyone did you just hear that pigeon across the street cause I sure did oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap I think I'm starting to crash and now sleepy gonna go sle

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (Chicken Soup for the Soul) by Jack Canfield Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.36

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

5 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

A winner!, September 27, 2005

Reviewer:

J.E. Swearingen - See all my reviews

My 13 year old son, Bradley (sorry, Brad), stayed at my apartment for the weekend, the first weekend we've done in months now. We've been having trouble connecting lately. I thought about what my dad did with me when I was his age, which was go on a rafting trip with me and let me drink some of his beers. But the weather was crap this weekend, so we mainly just stayed in the apartment.

Anyways, I saw this book at the bookstore at the mall and figured maybe it would be good, give us a "jumping off" point. We ordered in pizza the first night and I let him stay up and watch some HBO (but not Cinemax, it gets a little racy on the weekends). I had bought a twelve pack for the rafting trip, but since it was raining I cracked one open anyways. Brad kept giving me sideways glances, so I figured, what the hell? Who says a boys first beer has to be on a rafting trip?

I'd forgotten about the book, just left it on the coffee table, and after Bradley had finished his beer (he seemed pretty drunk for one beer, but then he maybe weighs a buck ten) he picked up the book and started reading some of the stories in a high-pitched effeminate voice, lisping his way through.

"Oh my goth, I have no friendth, though I guesth I have to kill mythelf."

It was a laugh riot. We acted out stories from the book. We picked out which one was the stupidest ("A Closer Walk With Me"), which one was cheesiest ("Fourth Down and Two") and which was gayest ("Sock Hip Hop"). We even, at one point, prank called Carol's new boyfriend and Bradley read from one of the stories where a dad beats the crap out of the son, but he ruined by cracking up halfway through.

This book has given my son back to me. I cannot thank the authors enough.

Scent Shield Hunt Mate Easy Off Face Camo
More Colors Please!, August 28, 2005

This is perfect for stalking prey in the forest, but perhaps a few more colors would be great, for other enviroments. I think a taupe would be great for blending in with vinyl siding, a deep red for pressing up against brick walls, or a pale blue and white combo, for remaining undecected while peering in through a window as the pale flickerings of a family (used to be your family but now just a family, any family, no more connection to you than to any of the other thousands of faces you pass by everyday and oh Jesus) watching television

Panasonic Personal Trimmer
Offered by The Grooming LoungePrice: $32.00
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

THOR!, August 28, 2005

This personal trimmer allowed me to put lightnin' bolts down in my area, and thus allowed me to become Thor, son of Odin and Jord, destined to kill and be killed by Jörmungandr. But until that point, I will use Mjollinir, my mighty "hammer", to sizzle up a lot of trim.Howeer, one thing I would like is maybe some guards for the trimmer so I could texture of the ol' brair patch a little, really give the hammer and shaft some definition.

Permatex Ultra Disc Brake Caliper Lube 8 oz. brush top bottle
Offered by Midway Auto Supply
Price: $13.99
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Horrible!, August 28, 2005

I'll definitely be sticking with a more well known brand from this point on. My wife is so swollen "down there" she looks like a monsterous walnut about to explode and I've barely been able to make water for three days now. Yet another trip to the ER, and yet another time Amazon's supplies of lubes have let me and my wife down.

Toddler Boys' Miles Brown Boat Shoes

Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

One Cavaet, August 28, 2005

These shoes are working out great for our youngest son, Branathyn, but I found, after he was wearing them for a while, that I had to make some changes. First of all, we put some new laces in, because the old ones we're a little "raggedy." Secondly I cut the tongue out to keep the shoes whispering lies in the dark of the night and poisoning my son against me.

Yamaha PSR295MS Portable Electronic Keyboard with Adapter and Stand
Price: $219.99
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

1 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Rockstar!, August 17, 2005

Ever since I got this keyboard I've been working hard on my one-man band total Experience Extrvaganza Extraordinary Experience (E^4!). And this keyboard works with me in everyway. It gives me the "urban" backbeat for my R&B number "Apartment Complex Freak," which is all about nailing the girls in my apartment complex (Woodlawn Terrace y'all!), and it also provides the "laser" sounds for my sci-fi epic "Phasered and Layered" which is about the lust I feel when I get my haircut at the hair salon down by the mall.

ROCKSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Spider-Man 2 Slumber Bag Duffel

Offered by ToysRUs

Price: $9.97

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Great for all situations, August 15, 2005

I originally intended to give this as a birthday gift for my estranged son, Bradley. But once it got shipped to the new apartment and I got it out of the package, I realized Bradley wouldn't even apprieciate it.

Not like I would.

He's always been more into sports and having friends anyways. When I tried to give all my old comics to him when he was nine, he just kinda gave me this "pppff, whatever" look.

Anyway, the new mattress that I also ordered off Amazon doesn't really feel like home, so I've been curling up in front of the television with Spidey wrapped around me, web-slinging my way out of the horrific mess of my life that I find myself in.

Great!

Vanilla Bean Green Tea
Offered by Sacred Mists Shoppe
Price: $15.95
Availability: Usually ships in 4-5 business days

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Bitter bitter headbuzz, August 15, 2005
ugh dudez. when i waisn in vancoyuver over spring break (yeah rogan and josh!) i smoked some bluberry that really tasted like blueberrys but this stuff doesnt taste like vanilla at all. also it just gave me a headache, but i kept smoking it to see what was up and ended up havin to go to the hospital. seriously, wack ass shiz

HON(R) 310 Series 4-Drawer Letter File, Black

Offered by Office DepotPrice: $189.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

0 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Perfect for... August 15, 2005

Hiding away from the "boss lady" until the "morning gin breath," goes away.

I'm hidden inside one right now, in fact.

SHHHH, here she comes.

Motorola V710 Phone (Verizon Wireless)
Price: $174.99
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Good but..., August 15, 2005

The Motorola V710 Phone is a good choice for anyone who needs to be able to call when they're "on the go," but I WOULD NOT reccomend it to people trying to

a) play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the phone pad
b) act like a Secret Agent (backlight is WAY too bright)
c) communicate meaningfully with an estranged son, even though I've made it to 7 out of the last 10 soccer games Bradley

Other than that, perfect-O!

check one check two

2005-10-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

i type at fifty words per minute
up on the web homey in it to win it
like the cardinals gonna win the NL pennant
when I said I'd be back goddamnit I meant it