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Thursday, January 12, 2006

cut your cholesterol by READER'S DIGEST
Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.17

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

28 used & new from $2.36

A handy guide to staying healthy, January 12, 2006
When not one but four relatives gave me this book over the holidays, I knew they were trying to tell me something: you need to slow down on the bacon.

So I've been using this book a lot. The basic idea is simple, and easy to follow: food contains cholesterol, ergo don't eat food. Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh but you need food in order to survive and I want to survive and I'm not really committed to a healthy lifestyle because I'm whiny and lazy and you've got to eat to live, don't you?" to which I can only reply: WRONG.

For instance, this morning I had a cup of Earl Grey tea, and a piece of Dentyne Ice. For lunch I will drink a cup of chicken broth and suck eactly half of one pineapple Lifesaver. Dinner, (which is my favorite meal so I really go all out), will be a three-second shot of Pam sprayed directly on my tongue followed by two stalks of celery soaked in salt water, with a NutriGrain bar for dessert.

I've been doing it this since New Year's, and the results are stunning. I'm having trouble keeping my vision focused so it's hard to see exactly what I look like in the mirror, and my teeth feel really loose lately, but the compliments I've gotten from people! "You look really skinny!" "You've dropped down a few pants sizes!" "I can see each one of your ribs right through your shirt!"

Also, congrats to Reader's Digest for not capitalizing the title of their book, which could of scared off a lot of people afraid of proper nouns.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

[I don't know how to make the pictures copy and paste anymore, anyone who is more HTML savvy feel free to explain how. Also, I'm gonna start doing these again, so, you know, start checking in.]

Pâté de Volaille a' L'Armagnac (8 Ounce) by
Offered by igourmet
Price: $6.99

Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Two diacritcal marks! Yes!, December 13, 2005
With this junk, you can take a boring middle-class church picnic and turn it into a suuuuuuuper classy pârté!

Friday, December 09, 2005

The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought by John Gibson
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $16.47
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

11 used & new from $14.00

It's about time!, December 9, 2005
Arbor Day killed my younger brother, so I defintely can understand wanting to destroy a holiday.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Kidde 468093 Fire Escape Ladder, 2 Story, 13 Foot
Price: $29.94
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

It's okay, but..., December 6, 2005
We take fire safety really seriously in my household. My wife and I make sure we practice our evacuations drills at least once every fortnight. We do it right, too. We set small fires outside the kids' bedroom doors, so they're used to the smell of smoke and the feel of their bronchial passages shutting down. Our reasoning is that if there is a real fire, kids need to already be acclimated to the idea that if they don't stay low to the ground, they're gonna die.

However, last week the drill became reality. I guess the newspaper I'd used to start the fire outside of Lauren's room had been in the garage next to the paint thinner, because it was like WHOOMP there it is! And by "there it is", I mean that the hallway was quickly engulfed in flames.

Luckily we had installed these ladders in all the kids rooms, except for Lauren. She just turned fifteen, and we were worried about her sneaking out to do pot with older boys and so on. So while the rest of our nine children were quickly outside the house, Lauren was trapped in her room. She ended up having to jump the two stories and broke her tailbone. Plus our house suffered some pretty extensive fire damage and we've been living out of a motel for the last few days.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should trust your kids enough to put one of these ladders in their room. Especially if you're setting fires inside your house a lot.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Porter-Cable PN650 Palm Nailer Kit
Price: $111.00
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

Just imagine!, December 1, 2005
It took the Romans about 3.4 hrs to nail the Son of God to the cross. With this little monster they could have had the King of Kings and Lord of Lords up before noon and called it day. And with the easy to use attachments, they could have time to do Barabbas too!

Intimo Men's Classic Satin Robe
Price: $28.00
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

Well hello, December 1, 2005
Hey there. Sorry for the robe, I wasn't expecting company.

Boy, it's snowing up a storm out there, huh? You've got a snowflake right on your eyelash. No, other one. Here, let me get it for you. Hold still.

There we go.

Here take a seat. You want something to drink? Irish coffee maybe? It'll warm you right up. Two Irish coffees it is!

Here you go. I'm just gonna push these papers aside, mind if I squeeze in? Ah. Amazing how a day of doing nothing can tire you out, am I right?

Is there something on my lap?

Oh my! I am sorry! Just slipped right out of the robe, didn't it? I really wasn't expecting company, I'll just put that right back. My sincere apologies. You were saying?

Hmm. And your children are complaining? No, no, but you have a problem with it, I see. And I'm doing this in front of the windows constantly? Well, my dear, T'ai Chi Ch'uan is the art of graceful movement. Emphasis on movement. I have to move around.

Did you know that T'ai Chi Ch'uan translates to "Supreme Fist?"

Oh my! There is goes again! Perhaps I should just slip upstairs and throw on a pair of Jockeys. Excuse me, will you? No, no, there's no need to leave! It will be but a moment!

Well, suit yourself.

Okay, that time? Right then? When it fell out? That was kind of on purpose.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Return to Pooh Corner ~ Kenny Loggins
Price: $12.99
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

37 used & new from $6.28
Club Price: $8.49

Where's Kermit Mr. Loggins?, November 12, 2005
I would give this CD, which is great for everyone ages 0-100, a much higher rating, if I didn't know the dirty underbelly of the recording of this CD: Kenny Loggins refused to work with Kermit the Frog because Kermit's a Jew.

For shame, Herr Loggins.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Nearly forgotten oldies [special thanks to Thomas Brousseau]

Care Bears : Most Valuable Bear (Care Bears) by Justin Spelvin
Edition: Paperback
Price: $3.99
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

11 used from $1.85

25 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

Without a doubt, the best Bildungsroman ever written, September 7, 2005
In Justin Spelvin's brilliant coming-of-age novel, Tenderheart Bear, a seventeen year old Care Bear relates his lonely, life-changing twenty-four hour stay in New York City as he experiences the phoniness of the adult world while attempting to deal with the death of his younger brother, an overwhelming compulsion to lie, and troubling sexual experiences.

Spelvin, whose characters are among the best and most developed in all of literature, has captured the eternal angst of growing into adulthood in the person of Tenderheart Bear. Anyone who has reached the age of sixteen will be able to identify with this unique and yet universal character, for Tenderheart contains bits and pieces of all of us. It is for this very reason that "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" has become one of the most beloved and enduring works in world literature.

As always, Spelvin's writing is so brilliant, his characters so real, that he need not employ artifice of any kind. This is a study of the complex problems haunting all adolescents as they mature into adulthood and Spelvin wisely chooses to keep his narrative and prose straightforward and simple.

This is not to say that "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" is a straightforward and simple book. It is anything but. In it we are privy to Spelvin's genius and originality in portraying universal problems in a unique manner. "Care Bears: Most Valuable Bear" is a book that can be loved and understood on many different levels of comprehension and each reader who experiences it will come away with a fresh view of the world in which they live.

A work of true genius, images of a caring and sharing are abundantly apparent throughout this book. While analyzing the city raging about him, Tenderheart's attention is captured by a child walking in the street "singing and humming." Realizing that the child is singing the familiar refrain, "If a body meet a body, he the most valuable bear," Tenderheart, himself, says that he feels "not so depressed."

The title's words, however, are more than just a pretty ditty that Tenderheart happens to like. In the stroke of pure genius that is Spelvin, himself, he wisely sums up the book's theme in its title.

When Tenderheart, whose past has been traumatic, to say the least, is questioned by his younger sister, Love-a-Lot, regarding what he would like to do when he gets older, Tenderheart replies, "Anyway, I keep picturing all these little Care Bears playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little Care Bears, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd be the most valuable bear. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

In this short bit of dialogue Spelvin brilliantly exposes Tenderheart's deepest desire and expounds the book's theme. Tenderheart wishes to preserve something of childhood innocence that gets hopelessly lost as we grow into the crazy and phony world of adulthood.

Spelvin deftly explores the theme of lost innocence throughout the book. Tenderheart is appalled when he encounters profanity scrawled on the walls of Love-a-Lot's school, a school that he envisions protecting and shielding children from the evils of society.

When Tenderheart gives his red hunting cap to Love-a-Lot to wear, he gives it to her as a shield, an emblem of the eternal love and protectiveness he feels for her.

Near the beginning of the book, Tenderheart remembers a girl he once knew, Funshine Bear, with whom he played checkers. Funshine, he remembers, "wouldn't move any of her kings," an action Tenderheart realizes to be a metaphor of her naiveté. When Tenderheart hears that his sexually experienced friend Brave Heart Lion had a date with Funshine, he immediately starts a fight with him, symbolically protecting Funshine's innocence.

More sophisticated readers might question the reasons behind
Tenderheart's plight. While Tenderheart's feelings are universal, this character does seem to be a rather extreme example. The catalyst for Tenderheart's desires is no doubt the death of his younger brother, Do-Your-Best Bear, a bright and loving Care Bear who died of leukemia at the age of thirteen. Tenderheart still feels the sting of Do-Your-Best's death acutely, as well as his own, albeit undeserved, guilt, in being able to do nothing to prevent Do-Your-Best's suffering.

The only reminder Tenderheart has of Do-Your-Best's shining but all-too-short life, is Do-Your-Best's baseball mitt that is covered with poems Do-Your-Best read while standing in the outfield. In a particularly poignant moment, Tenderheart tells us that this is the glove he would want to use to catch Care Bears when they fall from the cliff of innocence.

In an interesting, but trademark, Spelvin twist, Tenderheart loses the true meaning of "Most Valuable Bear." Tenderheart ends the book in a mental institution, unable to save or protect anyone or anything. This is certainly not the first time Tenderheart loses sight of what he wants and needs; indeed he is a master at it.

This loss, however, shows us how much Do-Your-Best's death has affected Tenderheart and also how much he fears his own fall from innocence, the theme that threads its way throughout the whole of the book.

By this amazing book's end, we must reach the conclusion that there are times when we all can be "Most Valuable Bear." The trick, dear reader, is in realizing those moments and grabbing them tight.

Dong Quai Root 530 Mg 100 Caps
Offered by Swanson Health Products
Price: $3.29
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

Sometimes the product description does all the work for you., September 6, 2005
-Dong is often called "the female ginseng" for its energizing and harmonizing qualities.

-Dong helps women maintain balance though every cycle of her life.

-Dong offers nutritional support to ease monthly discomfort.

NaturVet Herbal Flea Powder
Offered by PETCO
Price: $9.89
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

I dunno know about this one, September 5, 2005
All I'm gonna say is, herbal or not, it itches something fierce. Big red welts on my backside, and the fleas? Biting me worse'n Pac-Man.

Sharper Image Bar Master Deluxe Electronic Drink Guide (QU137)
Offered by Sharper Image
Price: $29.95
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

67 of 69 people found the following review helpful:

gets the touchy touch everybody so afraid of the toucnh, September 4, 2005
hey! hey!

damn flask thing gonna not give me a dirnk in my horse. house.

i said house!

tells me things i dont have a thing of nver heard of. who has grandadaine in they're horose? house.

said house gofdammit!

hey. hey! wanna know kick quocktail, quick cocktail i like? i like to crunch up the cheetos end of the bag and then mix up a little scope or calvin kline or whatver the kids gots in their medicine cabitnet. sometimes they got pills n pot too but thts not really cocktail is it? never shouldve let em have there own bathroom in the house.

horse. said horse cicksocker!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Men's Skechers Cool Cat 4477
Availability: This item is currently unavailable.

Every Morning With My Cool Cats, November 1, 2005
(open the closet)

Me: Hey Cool Cats! It's a beautiful morning isn't you guys?
Left Cool Cat: Oh God there he is.
Right Cool Cat: He's wearing that shirt again.
LCC: I know.
RCC: Shh, here he comes.
Me: You guys look good today. Nice and shiny leather like that.
LCC: At least something on him looks good.
RCC: Maybe we'll distract people from his haircut.
Me: Yessir, hey you guys maybe today'll be the day that I meet a special girl! You guys could have some company in the the closet soon, maybe a nice pair of pumps! HAHAHA!
LCC: I don't know what's sadder. That he says that every morning--
RCC: Or that it's been so long that I'm starting to wonder if the only thing that'll be joining us in the closet is him?
LCC: It's like you read my mind sometimes. I swear, you--
RCC: Complete me?
LCC: Stop it! That's just spooky!
Me: Criss Cross and go under the bridge, then you got to pull it tight, make a loop but keep a long tail that's how to do it right, then you put the string through the thing and everything hey all right and then we something something... wait. There's a scoop somewhere. Hold on you guys, I'm gonna get this!
RCC: They should just bend the rules and let him wear velcro shoes at work.
LCC: I swear to Christ, I actually get like embarassed watching him.
Polo shirt: How do you guys think I feel?
Haircut: It ain't easy for any of us guys.
Me: Okay, let's try it again. Build a tee pee come inside close it tight so we can hide, over the mountain and around we go here's my arrow, and here's my bow! Yes! Today is gonna be so super you guys!!!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Knife of Dreams (The Wheel of Time, Book 11) by Robert Jordan
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $19.18
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

22 used & new from $15.00

2 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

Better than being born, October 31, 2005
Wow. Robert Jordan's penultimate book in this epic series just blew me away. Like I can't find myself I'm so gone. Dude.

Frellep and Pontautraine return, of course, but this time they've got company -- a whole company of bandit kings, that is! But the Dessintal army has a few things to say about that: namely 1. Watch 2. Yourself 3. Buster!

And what about the ravishing Coccyx and her newfound magical powers? Will she able to reunite with Sapsapsapsapsa and Tigger?

My favorite part of these books are that they are very expensive and the drawings on the front of the books.

Monday, October 24, 2005


Pepperidge Farm Extra Cheddar Baked Snack Crackers, 7 oz
Offered by Gristedes Supermarkets of New York
Price: $1.69
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

A travesty, October 24, 2005
I stopped at the corner store on the way to the E Street Cinema and grabbed a pouch of Goldfish to snack on at the movie. When I was a kid, they'd give us Goldfish on paper towels with a Dixie cup of Kool-Aid, and they remain one of my favorite comfort foods. I'm sitting there, way up front because I like the movie screen to be the only thing I can see, and I reach in and take the first handful and eat a few. Something's wrong. There's this, this powder on them. It tastes like a Goldfish underneath, but this powder, what the hell? It's way too salty, and it tastes like onion powder or dried out ranch dressing. I look at the bag. They're Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar! Everything is wrong with this: that smug misspelling of "extra," calling them "Flavor Blasted," coating these wholesome little things in this horrible powder - the sickos at Pepperidge Farms have officially taken my most beloved childhood snack out to the garage, got it drunk on Boone's Farm, and molested it. Goldfish are going to grow up now, but not because they chose to.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Shyness : A Bold New Approach by Bernardo J. Carducci Ph.D.
Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.20

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

32 used & new from $3.99

Um, October 21, 2005

Hi I read this--

I'm sorry?

Louder? You want to, uh, want me to speak louder? Sorry.

I, um, I read this book a while back and it--it certainly helped, helped with my problem of being a little, uh, a little reticent around people. This book has really, um, really helped me blos--, excuse me, help me bloom socially. Yes.

Hi, I'm Bob Newhart, and you, uh, you can catch me every night on Nick at Nite, 9/8 central. If you-- if you want.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Should Be Dead By Now by Dennis Rodman
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $24.95
Availability: Usually ships in 2 to 3 days

Meh, October 20, 2005
Without the awesome and in your face EDGINESS of "BAD as I WANNA be" Rodman's first book, with it's CONSTANT changes of FONT size for little or NO reaSON and it's very post-MODERN use of a FAULKNERIAN man-child iDIOt as its narrator, I just can't really get behind this book. Though I am all in favor of ROdMAn dying.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Price: $10.97
Availability: Usually ships in 2 to 4 months


Whoo! God yes this a great magazine where'd you get this magazine from? Oh yeah? No, but I know his brother! Yeah, we're probably like best friends I guess. What?!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! That's just like him, forgeting his keys! Get it? Keys! HA!

Hey, you wanna start a band?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Lolita, Vol. 4 by Belore
Edition: Paperback
Price: $9.95
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

12 used from $7.30

Not what I remember, October 13, 2005
I read Lolita years ago, and ordered off Amazon on whim. I must say, my memory is starting to go, because I do not remember Lolita being so... explicit. Or having so many, shall we say, active characters.


Much better than I remember, though.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Big Hunk Snack Size Bars
Offered by Hometown Favorites
Price: $19.14
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Hunka Burning Love!, October 11, 2005
Guys, I just ate a Big Hunk!

Hey, stop laughing you guys, it was really good! I enjoyed the mouth-feel, and it tasted about twenty times better than one of those Three Muskateers! I'd eat a Big Hunk anyday.

Oh, really, just grow up.

Lovers Frog on Swinging Bench
Offered by Tom & Company
Price: $20.60
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Not familycentric!, October 11, 2005
I just don't want two lovers frogging on a bench in my living room. Perhaps if they were just giving each other ribbit-jobs, but full-on frogging is just too extreme, IMHO.

Whaddaya Think of That? ~ Laurie Berkner
Price: $13.49
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

24 used from $12.53

Amazing!, October 11, 2005
"All The Pretty Little Horses" is the greatest song ever written about a Cormac McCarthy book, with the obvious exception of Raffi's take on Blood Meridian, "Urine Gunpower."

Bertie Bott's 10 Flavor Discovery Box
Offered by Jelly Belly Candy Co.
Price: $5.99
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days

1 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Not meant for kids!, October 10, 2005
It's okay to feed them Soap or Dirt of Grass flavored jelly beans, but no matter how faithfully reproduced, the following flavor are NOT okay to be feeding to my kids:

1. Single-malt scotch
2. Sadness
3. Duster
4. Mouthfull O' Pillow
5. Kidney Stones
6. Lust
7. Dexodrine
8. Virginia Slim

Show a little responsibility, Bertie Bott!

Please Your Friends & Family
Offered by Great Harvest Bread Co.
Price: $29.95
Availability: Usually ships in 4-5 business days

Piffle!, October 10, 2005
My family abandoned me to the cold cold world at the tender age of thirty-two, and my friends merely want me for my wealth! Bah! I will feed this bread to the dogs or orphans before friends or family taste one solitary crumb!

About Me

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